Mating, Dating, Relating, Medicating

Mar 07
2013

Decision Point: Office Crush (The Good One!)

You see, I have two office crushes.

Part of me believes that everything –EVERYTHING — in life is about timing. That a person with whom you could have been best friends, or lifetime lovers, might simply pass beneath your radar if you meet them at the wrong time. This is especially true in dating. I think there was no way on earth Lieu and I could ever have worked. He was just too damaged at the time I met him to do anything more than take take take.

Thus, the woman posed with him and his children in his current profile picture on Facebook, which I saw for the first time at midnight last night after strenuously not looking for seven months, is not a better or more worthy person than me. She merely has better luck. Most people do (in the global 1% we all dwell in, at least.) She probably also has a graduate degree, and a controlling personality, and a history of never doing anything interesting nor wearing eyeliner. Whatever! I FEEL FINE ABOUT IT SO DON’T ASK ME.

Where was I again? Right.

So, in my last post I confessed my terrible dilemma about that one guy, and everyone judged me because it is horrible. Believe me, I know this. From now on we shall call him the Inappropriate Object (IO), so that we don’t give his name any power. (In real life, he shares a name with my best friend, so I never ever say it aloud anyway, because ick.)

I said I felt the click when I met him, and I did. BUT. What if the click isn’t so much about him as it is about…me?

You know how it is when you start dating someone that you like, and all of a sudden you start getting all kinds of male attention? We tend to say that it’s the glow of new love. But maybe it’s just because you’re throwing off all of this sex energy all of a sudden — because of the phase of the moon or the phase of your menstrual cycle or some kind of pollen-driven psychic shift that hasn’t been pinpointed — and New Guy You’re Dating just happens to be the first lucky soul to pick up what you’re laying down.

I’m saying that maybe we are all essentially like those fish that release their gametes into the water and wait for babies to grow. Sperm meets egg because they happen to be in the same place at the same time. There’s nothing cosmic about it (excluding the effect the moon has upon the tide.)

I’m saying that maybe we are all surrounded by opportunities for love and affection all the time, and that we just have to be in the right frame of mind to see them.

I’m saying that it’s mostly about pheremones and hormones, and mine are going CRAZY for the past couple of months. At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head whoa whoa whoa I’m on fire, etc.

I’m saying that there is another man who has caught my eye, and we call him the Office Crush. He is adorable. He is appropriate (except for being seven years younger than I am.) He is creative and quiet and bearded. He sits next to me, and I am always aware of him. When the IO calls me (a dozen times a day) I stop thinking about him as soon as I can and turn my thoughts to the Office Crush. I keep scented lotion at my desk so I can smooth some on before I step into the Office Crush’s office under some trumped-up pretense. He intrigues me. He asks me for input on things that do not require my input at all, and I lean way over his monitor to give it. (That is how one flirts when impeded by office furniture. I think. I’m a bit rusty, what with the no dates for 18 months.)

And after tomorrow — my last day at my current job — there is no reason why I should ever see or talk to Office Crush again.

I am terrible at knowing if men like me. Whatever I suspect, I can always talk myself into the opposite. I have tried and tried to send every signal I can to the Office Crush, and sometimes I think he really is picking up what I’m laying down…and sometimes I think he’s just a polite person who has decent social graces. We are, after all, colleagues.

So, tomorrow. Should I:

a) Keep sending out strong psychic signals and hope he responds by suggesting we do something outside work.

b) Take it upon myself to suggest that we do something outside work. (“We should get drinks some time.” Or “We should hang out some time.” Or “We should make out some time.”)

c) Leave him a note to find on Monday. (“I’d like to hang out with you outside work. If that sounds like fun, here’s my email address. If not, that’s okay too.”)

d) Stop thinking lascivious thoughts about my male colleagues at the extraordinarily paranoid and litigious corporation where we work.

e) Die alone and be eaten by cats. Even though I don’t like cats. (I think he has cats.)

Advise me, please.

18 Responses to “Decision Point: Office Crush (The Good One!)”

  1. js says:

    B. Please.

    A will not work. A never, in my experience, works. Men do not pick up on psychic signals.

    C may come off as too serious.

    D–well, they aren’t going to be your colleagues as of Friday night, so this doesn’t apply to Office Crush. It does apply to IO, but that’s because he’s married.

    E–don’t give up yet.

  2. Hannah Alyse says:

    OhMyGosh. I feel like I shouldn’t even be offering advice because I am the same person. I can never ever tell if a guy I like likes me back. BUT! I think you should go with B. Don’t be a creeper and give the slow wink while offering but definitely mention getting together. Not hanging out. And I would highly discourage D. What fun is left if you give up on those lascivious thoughts?! I say keep em’! I can’t wait for the update on how it all turns out and congrats on the new job :)

  3. petra says:

    ha, I’d say ask him out. but I doubt I’d do it myself. I wouldn’t leave a note either. I’d do nothing, then obsess about it for a week and then spend a month coming up with elaborate plans to bump into him ‘accidentally’ to then not do anything again. go with your gut. and don’t listen to the voices in your head.

  4. JM323 says:

    Long time lurker. I would say some combination of b and c. I cyber stalked a guy I met at a bar one night, figured out his email address and emailed him at 2:30 IN THE MORNING suggesting we grab drinks sometime. Terribly embarrassing. 2 1/2 years later, we were married. Knowing my husband today, I wonder if we ever would have gotten together had I not taken the initiative. However, I had pursued a similar avenue before with someone else with opposite results. Took some bravery to try it again. Booze helps. Be brave!

    • rachel says:

      OMG. I met a guy in a bar back in ’06 and he asked for my number. I went home and drunkenly Facebook-friended him at 2:30am. He called me, we started dating, and now we’re married! He later told me he was debating whether or not to call me, but then he got my friend request and decided “what the hell, I’ll call her!” Non-threatening cyber-stalking works sometimes!

  5. Swistle says:

    I don’t know what you SHOULD do, but I can tell you what I think I would do—and it’s what I think I really WOULD do, not what I’d dream of doing if I were a different person. What I’d do is say in a light, cheerful, appealingly-just-over-the-usual-levels-of-appropriate-social-frankness way on my last day (ideally in the last few minutes, in case things didn’t go as well as planned), “Well! I have really liked working with you. I am going to MISS you! How am I going to [insert in-joke here about things you help him with or he helps you with, or about someone you guys jointly criticize]? We should meet for coffee/lunch in the next few weeks, so we can [repeat in-joke]!”

    With this, if it seems like his eyes say “OH GOD NO” or he’s like “Uh, yeahhhhhh, sure, ha ha, well good luck!” then I just never call him and he never calls me. But if he goes all eager-but-playing-cool and is like “Yeah! Yeah, we should do that!”—then I know more, and might even work up the nerve to call him. (No, probably not. But it would be OPEN for that, rather than CLOSED.)

  6. Cass says:

    The man in my life says B. I agree. Good luck!

  7. twisterfish says:

    B. But I’d be more specific and leave out the “some time”, such as “let’s celebrate my leaving by having drinks tonight” and you can then tell by his reaction what he thinks. He’ll either say yes, no, or suggest a different day. Good luck!!!!

  8. Slauditory says:

    I’m with Swistle, plus B. Inviting him out for coffee or drinks is not a litigious action, and he can either take you up on it, or not. When he does (because he probably will), you can figure out what is happening in a more open way because you won’t be working together anymore! To quote a cliche, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

  9. Diary of Why says:

    Oof, this is like my nightmare situation. So you are not alone. I echo everyone here who said B. Nothing at all wrong with B.

  10. Melospiza says:

    Definitely b, and I like Twisterfish’s amendment.

    (Although my personal style would be c, which is why my personal spirits are very happy that I’m married and not out seeking. They have enough trouble with my career-related despondency.)

  11. Sarah says:

    Ooh! A poll!

    I vote B!

  12. asplenia says:

    A light & airy B or C! I’d either say “Oh we should hang out sometime , I had fun working with you. Here’s my number!” And then cut out. Or leave him a note. “Hey! Wanted to say goodbye on my last day but had to head out quickly — hope this place treats you well. Call me sometime, let’s hang out. You can give me the scoop!”

    Congrats on your new job!

  13. Nicole says:

    B, definitely.

  14. Lindsay says:

    You should casually bring up in conversation that you’re going to “trendy new bar/music hall” (that he would dig) to drink/see “trendy new beverage/music act”. And then he’ll say “oh I love that place/am dying to try that out” and you’ll say “oh yeah it’s really cool, I go there a lot…” And if he’s into you he’ll say “we should meet up there sometime…” and if he’s not he’ll say “oh cool…” and will change the subject. I saw this happen in a MadGreens with a work colleague once. She was picking up guys right and left, including several MadGreens employees. And now she’s engaged to another guy.

    But when I tried it with more than one dude I got the courtesy “oh cool…”. I agree that timing is everything. BTW my last date took place in September 2010. I’m ready to serve myself to cats.

  15. Parodie says:

    Definitely b, amended to include a specific time and activity. Be brave – what do you have to lose? If he turns you down, you never have to see him again, and if it works, you have a date. Win-win!

  16. rooth says:

    Oh god, this has all already happened and I can’t believe I missed it – give us an update!

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