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2012
Shit Therapists Say
“But how do you feeeeeel about that?”
“But how do YOU feel about that?”
“I think you’re angry at your mother.”
“Seems like that’s really pinging on some old stuff.”
“Codependency for Dummies.”
“I see.”
“No, I don’t take insurance.”
“Really? Is that what you really think? Are you sure?”
“Let it aaaalllll out.”
“In what ways is he like your father?”
“Creepy? Interesting word choice.”
“Mmm hmmm.”
“Another tissue?”
“This? I got it at Chico’s.”
“Are you taking your meds?”
“I mean, are you taking them every day?”
“It sounds like that’s how you felt your mother/father treated you, too.”
“Hmmmm.”
“Let’s discuss your ambivalent feelings about therapy…you haven’t paid your bill.”
“That’s classic compulsive behavior.”
“How does that help your inner child heal?”
“Penis envy.”
“Do you ever become preoccupied by grandiose thoughts and schemes, or stay up for days and days spending money and having sex? Just checking.”
“Does it sound fun?”
“Huh.”
“How many times did you have to check the stove before you were able to leave the house today?”
“The Electra complex.”
“Denial is a deep river; be careful you don’t drown in it.”
“Don’t be glib. You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do.”
“Let’s practice healthy confrontation. I’ll go first.”
“Why do you ask?”
“I feel ____ when you ____.”
“The Windigo is an intense craving for human flesh and the fear that one will turn into a cannibal.”
“Sounds like that was really hard for you.”
“Heh heh. Giggity.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“I think our 45-minute hour is up. That’ll be $300.”
“Complete this sentence: ‘If people don’t like me, that means I’m un____.’ Go on. Complete it. I know it’s hard.”
“I think we made some real progress here today.”
“*patronizing expression*”
“I got this at Chico’s.” Haaaaaaa.
I’d like the 45 minute hour clock too. I’d use it at work. Also, giggity. Also, is it wrong that i’m delighted about commenting right after reading (and chickens)??
oh. my joke is sadly lost without my url. oh well! carry on!
Reading and Chickens..and then Counting Chickens…and my last post referenced chickens…this is blog synergy, yo.
“Wait…so you said you’ve seen a therapist before?? When was that exactly? Like, recently?”
Oh, my, YES. Here are the ones that make me crazy (heh):
“But how do you feeeeeel about that?”
“But how do YOU feel about that?”
“Really? Is that what you really think? Are you sure?”
“Interesting word choice.” – I HATE THIS ONE!!!
“It sounds like that’s how you felt your mother/father treated you, too.”
“Hmmmm.”
“Why do you ask?”
“Sounds like that was really hard for you.”
“this is clearly a manifestation of unresolved feelings about your mother.”
no, therapist man – it’s a law-school exam i didn’t do as well on as i wanted to. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT MY MOTHER.
My therapist was not a psychotherapist, so some of that stuff doesn’t apply. She’s CBT. More like this:
Her: “We’ve been focusing a lot on goals in here. I’d like to focus more on WHY you feel this way… You’ve said your issue is trying too hard, so I think it would be good to try not trying to achieve anything, only exploring WHY. Does that sound good?”
Me: “We only focused briefly on specific goals… because I wanted to. Before that we were only doing what you’re suggesting now. And that brief time was the most helpful moment of all, so no, it doesn’t sound good.”
Her: “But… But… But…”
Me: “NO.”
Her: “………………………….
Well, if we don’t agree on anything, what are we going to do?”
Me: “I feel way more stressed out than when I arrived.”
Her: “Let’s talk about how you can not get stressed out when you’re here…”
Me: “…”