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2011
Dating Do or Don’t: Connection, Companionship, Coitus, and Commitment
To date or not to date…that is the question.
CONS
1. From experience, dating involves a lot of time spent making small talk with men who have no idea how have a successful social interaction, and who choose not to conform to basic social norms around meeting new people like “ask questions” and “make eye contact”. I find this exhausting.
2. Unsolicited dick pics.
3. So much time wasted corresponding with dudes who turn out to be married after all.
4. Lots of effort wasted–getting plucked and waxed and buffed and coiffed and perfumed and smoky-eyed–only to meet people it’s immediately clear that I have NOTHING in common with. (My new friend Sassy Marmalade says all of this prep is the reason men should always pay on the first date. As we say in Paris, j’agree.)
5. Rejection. I have a hair-trigger response to rejection, perceived or real, because unless I really hate someone (and even sometimes if I do) I assume that their negative opinions about me are the gospel truth. And if I’m not sure what their bad opinions are, exactly, I fill in the blanks. Endlessly.
6. All of that going out is expensive, especially after all of the prep work mentioned in item four.
7. My recent heartbreak has reminded me how painful heartbreak is, and I’m very gun-shy. It seems stupid to start dating from a point of suspicion and fear–I know I wouldn’t want to date anyone who was starting there–but it also seems unimaginably naive to assume, as I used to, that everyone wants what I want and we are all trying to find it the best way we know how. Connection, companionship, coitus, and commitment…I’m going for all four. Men I have dated seem to be stuck on only one (guess which).
8. I really, really hate answering this eternal first date question: So, what do you do besides work? I feel like I should say that I help starving children, or snowboard avidly, or that I’m really passionate about macrame or soccer. But I don’t do any of those things. My main, lifelong hobby is reading, which is either a hot topic or a lead balloon. Beyond that, I work a lot, and I scheme ways to travel. Sometimes I walk on a treadmill and sometimes I do yoga. I used to have a dog and cook a lot, but now I live alone, the dog lives with my sister, and I eat hummus and pretzel crisps for dinner more often than not. Marry me!
9. Without the fire of hope in my belly, which I used to have, it’s hard to justify spending my time trying to charm people I probably won’t like, or who won’t like me, when I could be cuddling with my Kindle.
10. That horrible feeling when you have to reject someone who likes you, when those people are so few and far between.
PROS
1. Sex.
2. It’s a great way to meet people you would otherwise never run into–there are always professional and personal opportunities to be had even if romance fails to ignite.
3. Unsolicited dick pics.
4. Sometimes my dates give me good book recommendations.
4. I really, really like having sex.
5. The possibility of feeling that elusive click, the golden moment when your cheeks heat up and suddenly a whole new world of potential unfurls.
6. I might meet someone I like, and then we can have sex.
7. First dates are a good reason to try new bars and restaurants and to drink fancy cocktails.
8. The chance to have an orgasm when another person is in the room.
9. From an anthropological perspective, observing the East Coast Male Human’s mating behavior is fascinating.
10. Who knows…I might fall in love with someone who might fall in love with me. People do, I hear.
11. BONUS: Not to put too fine a point on it, but I would like to have sex.
Reverse genders a few times on this post and I could have written it. Thus, I sympathize.
Men send you dick pics? I…uh…wow.
Hug your husband. You never want to date again, trust me.
You know, I never thought about how the men should pay given how much prep work we put into getting ready, but that is an excellent point!
Yeah, because men’s clothes and grooming products are free and they only have to snap their fingers and they’re magically ready for dates.
Lets not understate how awesome it is to have sex. With another person. And to have an orgasm. Those are all very very good things. In my opinion….and in my recent finding: WORTH IT.
Pro #12 – A lot more material for your blog! Please do it, do it for the readers!
How many unsolicited dick pics do you get? I mean, I have never had even one.
The number varies–though it is higher than you might think–but the real question is, how many are too many? And that number is vanishingly small.
Oh man, you kill me. So funny.
I think pro #9 might be my fave. But “Marry me!” had me spitting out coffee on my computer screen.
SO glad I am not only one getting unsolicited dick pics!!! Do they always want your unsolicited boob shot in return? I think that is more disturbing than receiving their initial shot – the thought of standing there trying to aim for my boob? I mean, really?
GREAT post – thanks for making me laugh!!!
I’m really glad I don’t get texted dick picks. (I’d be all, “You wasted my bandwidth on that?!”) Once, in high school, a boy showed me a print photo of his no-nos, and I was all, “What IS that?” Just those three words made one boy feel very, very small.
No one wants a dick pic, no one.
good LORD, pictures of cock? without warning? sent to you? gaah. that is horrifying. makes me almost glad to have spent my 20s in a bad marriage with a man whose virginity i took…
[...] So, I am dating again. I think. Or perhaps not actively trying to not date anymore. I seem pretty committed to the prospect, yes? I am cautious but I have had a few organic things happen recently, so I suppose why not? What is the worst that could happen? Besides unsolicited dick pics. [...]
Oh man do I hate number 8. (Um, the first one. The second number 8 is more than alright by me.) I also go through the “read, cook, do yoga” spiel, only for him to ask, without fail, “Ok, what else?” KILL ME NOW.
Oh, and I have to say that I have STILL never received an unsolicited dick pic (DateMeDC sharing one of hers with me doesn’t count), and I kind of have to wonder what I’m doing wrong. Or right? The thought of actually getting one sort of horrifies me but at the same time I can’t help but feel like I am missing out on some essential part of the modern dating experience. What’s your secret?
I agree. Men should always pay for the first date. And the second. And the third. And the…well, you get my point. I actually get very uncomfortable when a woman offers to pay, and/or is surprised that will pick up the check.
I mean, why do we date? When it boils down to it, the answer is basically to find that special someone who we can share things, i.e. mind-altering orgasms, with. And mind-altering orgasms are worth a hell of a lot more than dinner and a movie, or drinks, or ten drinks. Fuck, now I sound like an alcoholic.
Superbly written! Loved it. I have been married 17 loooong years. Yea, not terribly happy but I guess it’s better than all that you mentioned!
Uh-oh. Debbie Downer here. Sorry to be a buzz kill but 1/2 of your Pros are about wanting sex. We at The Spinsterlicious Life love sex, but we’ve learned that letting sex dominate the conversation can attract guys who send dick pics, don’t make eye contact, are married, etc. …because they, too, are primarily interested in sex…not you.
signed, I’m-Usually-More-Fun-Than-This @The Spinsterlicious Life