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2011
Guest Post: Three Bad Dates
Today, I am at the hammam at the the Mosque de Paris, France’s oldest place of Islamic worship, being massaged and exfoliated and daintily sipping mint tea. Naked.
Thank god you don’t have to see that while you read today’s guest post from the very funny chicken-raising web comic-drawing Shalini of Reading and Chickens. She only had to go on three bad dates before she got married, so she is basically some kind of mythical creature. Three! I went on three bad dates a week in my prime. Let’s see what she has to teach us.
I am one of those annoying people who met her husband young, put a Lo Jack on him, and never turned back. I never dated anyone besides him seriously, and I only went on three dates before I met him. But I like to think that my three dates were bad enough that it fulfills my lifetime quota of bad dates.
Date #1:
I went to a high school dance with a geeky seventeen-year-old. I didn’t really like him very much because he told me he asked four girls to the dance before he broke down and asked me. But I wanted to go to the dance, so I said yes. This made me the bigger loser on the date.
At the end of an alright evening, I decided I was going to give him a goodnight kiss on the cheek as a thank-you for taking me out. I had never kissed a boy before, not even on the cheek. I was too busy doing my calculus homework.
I ended up quickly rushing forward and kissed his ear, and then felt mortified that not only did I go on a date with a total loser, but I went on a date with a total loser who thought I had an ear fetish.
Date #2:
I was in college and liked a boy who worked with me. He was Indian and I was Indian and somehow that seemed like enough for someone with low standards, especially since I hadn’t had any hot ear action in years.
He took me to see a bad Vin Diesel film, made me pay, then spent the rest of the date talking about how awesome his ex-girlfriend was. This didn’t seem very romantical to me, so I thought perhaps I misunderstood what was happening.
This was during the Clinton Era, so he never answered me directly. The answer, of course, was no. I never got any hot ear action. But it’s alright, because later I found out he thought the influential and future AFI Top 100 film, Office Space, was “just OK.” I was never so happy to get rejected.
Date #3:
Another boy I worked with asked me to see The Phantom Menace when it was released. My continuous rejection with boys made me believe he asked me out as a coworker and friend, not with any romantical overtures. So I invited three other people.
That didn’t go over so well. I was mortified and didn’t stick around after the movie, so I missed chatting about how George Lucas shat all over his sacred franchise with Jar Jar Binks.
A month later, I started dating my husband. I like to think it worked out because the universe couldn’t bear to see ten more years of awkwardness from me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, really.
I feel like these weren’t such bad dates. And I can’t even tell you what I’d do for some hot ear action.
You win for the Newhart reference.
Omg those sound so horrible, I cringed reading them! (But they were also kind of hilarious, lol). At least this story has a happy ending!
Aw! Poor cher! Thank goodness Mr. Wonderful showed up to save you from…datinghood.
I would ROUTINELY pack that much awkwardness into a single weekend in my twenties. You are soooooooo lucky! Although I do have more horrific anecdotes to make people feel queasy at cocktail parties than you do. I was once stood up at Spiaggia restaurant in Chicago by a famous mobster’s son. Perhaps I should blog…
Bad dates are awesome because you can tell fabulous stories about them later. I once had a first date (or maybe it was a second date) where they man asked me to fix him because he was broken and sad. I was like, “This is a little much for an ice cream date.”
This was hilarious. My favorite bit? “He was Indian and I was Indian and somehow that seemed like enough for someone with low standards, especially since I hadn’t had any hot ear action in years.”
“Hot ear action.” Oh MAN that is funny.
Ha…romantical. Great word! In college I was once picked up for a date in a green hearse. No joke. I had computer problems so I ask for help from a co-worker in the writing center who helped on the condition I would go on a date. So I did. I was picked up in said hearse and he listened to video game soundtrack music he had recorded onto tape himself. He talked through the whole movie until a scene with a tornado, which scared him so badly we had to leave. And people cheered. I was sooo mortified.
I met my husband a week later. He was a bicyclist without a car, which is WAY better than a hearse! Even weirder, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was a grad student teacher comp and remedial comp. He ended up with this guy in his class the next semester! He had to turn over the papers to another grad to grade because he didn’t think he could be objective. True story. Sadly…
I once did a “corner of jaw” kiss. I still wince a little. Also, then I found that the front door we were standing in front of was locked. And then so was the side door. So I had to go in through the garage.
Love you Shalini!
Well. Quite the sordid past, Shalini. Also, I noticed you were wearing the same outfit for the second two dates, so that was probably just a ‘bad luck’ outfit. How long did you and the hubs date?
Shalini, it reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel is interviewing at Ralph Lauren and accidentally touches him in the p-zone
Anybody who thinks “Office Space” is just ok doesn’t deserve a second date.