Guest Post: The Beginner

I am headed out the door to Paris! I have guest posts lined up every day this week, so please click and comment early and often. Au revoir!

Red Stethoscope is an anonymous blogger from the DC area. In her past life, she was a relationship advice columnist. Now, she’s a full-time medical student and part-time blogger. In August 2010, she almost married a banker named Rich. Calling the wedding off six weeks before it was supposed to happen was traumatic and heart-wrenching, but without a doubt, the best decision of her life. She’s honored to be blogging on one of her favorite DC blogger’s sites!

On Dating Websites

Two weeks after I called off my wedding, I joined a dating website. I wasn’t trying to find true love. I was trying to find the quick fix. I had lots of friends who had tried dating websites. And failed. It seemed like the perfect quick and dirty ego boost.

You see, depending on your choice of dating website, you will quite likely find either your future spouse or really, really good blog fodder. I was sort of going for the latter. In fact, just to make sure I wouldn’t find Mr. Right (and dump my shady, bitter baggage on him), I decided to join the same dating website that my mother. (To protect the innocent, I will not be divulging which one it was. Let’s just say that they don’t generate enough revenue…or likely have enough success stories…to be running commercials on cable TV.)

It was the ideal plan: Meet a bunch of guys to go on dates with. Assume that there is no long term potential. Casually date the hell out of the worst year of my life and hope for the best. Clearly, my plan was flawless.

The day after I posted my profile, complete with a seductive, yet classy, photo, the responses started pouring in. Many of them were from men whom I would later discover were known as Lazy Daters.

Lazy Daters are the men who are really want to find true love. They do. They’re just hoping that the man or woman of their dreams is going to come to them. Literally. They list their favorite foods as “everything,” the type of women that they like as “pretty,” and their hobbies and interests as “dull and uninteresting.” OK, fine. I’m kidding about the last one…sort of.

Lazy Daters are the men who are either too intimidated, or too apathetic, to send anything more than one of the site’s pre-formulated “winks” or “smiles.” Usually, they write nothing on their profile, much less in the body of message that they send to you. As their name suggests, they’re too lazy to hit the “compose” button on the dashboard of the site or to upload a picture more recent than 2005. If you actually do respond to the “wink” (but really now, why would you?), they will likely send you to their phone number. Because they’re too bored to type a response. Like you, they’re also hoping for a quick fix—as long as you’re willing to take the lead.

The Lazy Daters are easy to pick off. It’s flattering and all that they find your single photo attractive, but a quick delete of their ridiculous “winks” and you’re done. The same cannot be said of The Overconfident Ones.

The Overconfident Ones are the ones who think that they’re God’s gift to the website. They’re the doctors, lawyers, and mama’s boys of the group. (Yes, I feel entitled to say that, because in addition to being a medical student, two of the Overconfident Ones were doctors. If doctors can’t get respect from other doctors, there’s no hope.)

One too many people told The Overconfident Ones that it was all their ex-girlfriends’ fault and now, if they deign to acknowledge your profile, it’s only to make references back to themselves. Their profiles are effusive, but only in praise about their accomplishments. “I’m looking for a woman to complete my life,” they say. Or, “I have the keys to lamborghini of life. Won’t you be my passenger?”

When talking to the Overconfident Ones, you are going to remember that you also have interests and activities that are fascinating, but they don’t really care. They know that any woman would be excited to go out on a date with them, and they’re not afraid to tell you so.

Except, it’s any woman except you.

You have to tread with caution with The Overconfident Ones, because if you cross them, they quickly become The Grimy Ones. Or worse, the Ones Who Are Not In Your League.

The Grimy Ones are the ones who make you feel bad about yourself and your position in life. You don’t want to date them? Well, they’re not afraid to tell you that you’re not getting any younger, and because you’re a career girl, you’re probably not going to meet anyone either! Also, did they mention the massive amount of medical school debt that you’re accumulating? What about the fact that all of your friends from high school are pregnant, except you? Save for sending you an MRI image of your aging ovaries, they’re making sure that you feel the pain of rejecting them. Getting burned at the game of life has driven them to try harder–usually by reminding you that you’re going to lose.

Thankfully, The Ones Not in Your League would never think to say anything so obnoxious. They’re the older version of The Overconfident Ones, but they’re kinder. Their wives have either passed away or moved and they figure, “What the hell?” They might be 62, but what’s the harm in messaging a 28 year old for fun? Besides, they’re grandpas and everyone knows that grandpas are nice.

The Ones Not in Your League are completely into you. They’re retired and have nothing to do all day, besides stalk your profile and beg you to upload more photos. They think that you’re gorgeous, brilliant, and worth having as a granddaughter wife. To prove their point, they’ll offer to move anywhere in the country for you. Or, you can join the wonderful world of RVing if you’re up for it.

My all time-favorite dating website guy has to be The One Looking for a Replacement Mother Figure, though. Just like in the childhood storybook Are you my mother?, this is the guy who can place the exact time that he lost his way in life to the moment when he moved out of his mother’s house. If he has moved out of his mother’s house. When the perfect woman who gave birth to the perfect son stopped gently rousing him from his morning slumber and packing his lunch every morning, his world collapsed. Or, so he tells you as the explanation for why he doesn’t have a full time job and has absolutely no motivation about life. But, it’s totally fine. Because you are the replacement mother figure for him! He just needs you to motivate him, he says, and then his life will be right back on track!

Most of the dating website guys make for fabulous blog entries about dinners spent listening to all of their past scores (“My last ex-girlfriend, the model, wasn’t pretty enough for me” –The Overconfident One) or mind-violating you when they tell you that in person, you actually sound “too white” for them (-The Grimy One, who is himself half-white).
The real challenge comes when you’re just looking for someone to accompany you to dinner and put some space between you and your ex, and you accidentally meet Mr. Almost Perfect.

Save for a single nagging characteristic—you’re not physically attracted to him, he doesn’t have a grown-up job, he has an annoying laugh—Mr. Almost Perfect is exactly that. He’s doting, kind, interested, and available. You may be what he’s looking for in a woman, but he’s just not what you’re looking for in a man. Well, not completely what you’re looking for in a man.

You could try little harder, but given the nature of your dating forays, Mr. Almost Perfect is also way too nice. You can’t do that to him, so you just stop communicating completely.
I realize that there are real dating website matches that work, but it’s so much fun to talk about the ones that don’t. One can only wonder what the guys say about the girls on dating websites. Maybe it’s something along the lines of “She’s pretty, but a little high strung and judgmental. I also get the impression that not everything that happens between us is going to be confidential.”

Oh, wait…