OR GET THE RSS FEED HERE
2011
Pluck It Out
It’s funny that I just talked about this in therapy on Monday. I know there’s one more smack coming, when he unfriends me on Facebook, I told her. Anything I ever say that ties my emotional well-being to free social media platforms makes me want to kick myself in the face, but there you have it. Every time my friend count goes down, I check to make sure he’s still listed. I know I should just do it myself and spare my poor flip-flopping stomach the agony, but…I can’t.
The truth is, I want him to read the droll things I post and remember how I used to make him laugh.
The truth is, I want him to see carefully curated photos of me and remember how good it was between us.
The truth is, I want him to be reminded of me and feel sad and lonely and second-guess himself.
The truth is–aha, you’ve suspected this–I have been cultivating a quiet but ferocious hope that this schism is a temporary one, and he will come back to me.
The truth is, that’s not going to happen. I know this in my head and in my sore heart, but not yet, apparently, in my bones.
Perhaps if I write it down enough times, it will sink in.
*****************
The truth is, he unfriended me today and I cried at my desk, even though I knew it was coming, as surely as winter.
Absolutely nothing connects us now.
The truth is, that’s the way he wants it. I’ve sent him a few texts and emails, and he never responds. Sometimes I tell myself that he’s just defending his emotional territory, as he always does: If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee. Thinking of me makes him sad and uncomfortable, and he can’t deal with that, so he won’t deal with me.
Sometimes, I tell myself that he is cold and heartless and hateful and that I misread and misremember everything, and that I have made an unforgivable series of judgment errors that led me here.
Mostly, I remind myself that second-guessing the path I took to this place is a waste of valuable time. Here I am. I need to concentrate on finding somewhere new, somewhere filled with light.
The truth is, I don’t want to become sad and bitter lemon of a woman because I loved the wrong person. That is not where love is supposed to lead.
The truth is, I should have severed that last tie before he did. I should not have given him the chance to hurt me again. I should have exercised my power to prevent that, and I didn’t.
The truth (I need to, want to, must believe) is, this is his loss.
At moments like these I like to sing Paula Abdul’s “Cold-Hearted Snake.”
I hate him and his assface on your behalf, even though I know you probably don’t hate him at all.
I hate him as well. And Facebook. It has never led to anything good for me.
Praise god!! You are freeeee!!
(Don’t know if it helps or hurts, but of course you are still connected, will always be connected. So let his sad uncomfortable scared and frozen self melt in the thought of your luminous loveable fire. Eff him. You are free.)
My GAWD are you me? You must be my twin separated at birth. FFS I did the exact same thing. Oh and I miss him too….
It is TOTALLY his loss. And, FB is the devil. I used to compulsively check to see which ones of my ex’s family members had defriended me. Of course, I refused to be the one to defriend them. Force yourself not to look at FB all weekend. PROMISE ME.
He probably disconnected precisely BECAUSE he was second-guessing himself and uncomfortable with those feelings. You probably did a great job with the photos and posts because it apparently bothered him enough to try to do this drastic thing to remove himself. The true opposite of love is indifference; if he didn’t give a damn, he wouldn’t have unfriended you. I’m sorry that such a painful action is proof that you mattered.
Go get the book “Attached: the new science of adult attachment” by Amir Levine, MD. It was the one thing I’d read out of ALL the self-help shit out there that comforted me in the face of the most awful rejection ever. Read it on your flight. It will illuminate why it’s not about you, and that you don’t suck, you didn’t drive him away with your flaws, and you are worthy and awesome afterall. <3<3
i should defriend my ex and his family. i really should. but i haven’t. i don’t know why. none of the reasons i can even conjure up are all that convincing.
non-relationships are hard.
This hits close to home. Your whole sitch with Lieu hits close to home. The words in your post make me sad, because I know it’s probably my future at some point, too. That I, too, will be crying at my desk over my “casual relationship” guy. I know I should sever ties but I can’t. I’ll wait until he hurts me first.
I am sorry you’re going through a hard time. If it helps, just know you aren’t alone.