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2011
Dating
I read a post this morning that reminded me painfully of everything I hate about dating. It’s been just over two months since the break-up, and I feel absolutely cold when I think about going out with someone new. I’ve been browsing profiles for a couple of weeks, and I haven’t seen anyone who tripped my trigger in the slightest.
The world feels the same way about me, by the way–I’ve received virtually no messages, and none at all from anyone I would ever speak to in real life (well, save a very nice bisexual woman from Canada. Not my thing, sadly.) I have read that the rate of attention women get online starts declining sharply when we reach our mid-30s, and I guess it’s true; the difference in attention between 34 and 36 is remarkable.
I feel very unlovely lately, and that doesn’t help. I’ve never been a head-turner, but I used to think my interpersonal skills could make up for my unremarkable looks. Now I feel like I’m a shade or two below “unremarkable.” Maybe a shade or four. It’s hard to feel desirable when you’ve put it all out there and been rejected so completely. I believed in Lieu, in his essential intelligence and goodness, and I trusted his opinion, so it’s hard to dissociate his opinion of me from that belief. It’s like a joke I heard recently: “I inherited my father’s looks, temperament, and personality, and my mother’s deep hatred of everything about my father.”
I still think about Lieu every day, and once a week or so I have to fight against an overwhelming urge to reach out to him and tell him that I miss him, just in case he’s considering coming back. Or even just to tell him I saw something he would like online, or heard a joke he would appreciate. Maybe he’s lonely enough to see the error of his ways, I reason. Surely he misses me? Then I think, compared to his divorce, this loss must seem like nothing, a mosquito bite measured against leprosy. Plus, you know, he loved her, and he never loved me.
I remind myself of the big lesson of my relationship with Lieu: I want to be part of a couple, badly enough to work for it. Before him, I told myself that wasn’t really true, because I was too afraid to want love and not get it. Now I know I can be part of a couple made up of two people who are stronger together, who support each other and make each other better. Loving Lieu showed me how good I can be to another person, patient and nurturing and flexible.
Unfortunately, it also showed me that wanting something desperately and working feverishly to achieve it does not guarantee that I will get it. This, sadly, is the confirmation of an abiding, lifelong fear of trying really hard and failing. Not trying hard and failing is fine, because you can say you never wanted it anyway. Succeeding without trying very hard is fine, because whatever you earned must not be that valuable if you couldn’t even be bothered to reach for it. But trying hard and failing means you failed. There’s no denying you wanted something when everyone has seen you scrabble for it, and subsequently seen you weeping in a heap in the corner when it remained stubbornly out of reach.
But still: I have said it enough that it can’t be taken back. I want love. I want to love someone who loves me, and work together to keep that love alive and growing. I want date night and couch nights and sex nights, and to be irritated by in-laws and to bicker about whose turn it is to do dishes and to have someone bring me chicken soup when I’m sick. It’s just that, when I picture myself cuddled up to someone I love, it’s not an amorphous Boyfriend TBD that I see. It’s one very specific, beloved face that I’ll probably never see again. I guess I still can’t believe I’m supposed to just accept that and get over it; or rather, I can’t believe I’m going to be able to.
I have no words of advice, just that I’ve been feeling the same way. Been doing a lot of trying and failing myself. It’s the worst. Probability-wise, I think we’re both probably due for something good. I hope so, anyway.
I’ll believe for you. Until you do. I’ll believe FOR you.
I think it’s one of those things people should warn you about: Don’t imagine the rest of your life in crazy detail about someone….because it’s really hard to lose those dreams – it’s hard to let go of THAT face at the end of an aisle or winking at you across a room.
Someone is going to just love the heck out of you. I know it.
I feel the same way, especially about the fear of trying hard and failing (and getting something when you didn’t try). I realized recently that I could not work hard at finding love and achieve it, since it’s not like a job, or knitting, or baking something complicated. Sadly, another person has to go along with the “being in a relationship with me” project, and that’s the hardest piece to get into place.
Anyway. I don’t know what you look like, but you are probably cute and lovely. I *do* know you’re a funny writer, a good writer, which means you probably also have a sparkling personality. I don’t know what men are looking for online (and I’m in the same boat as you, getting messages from men who are way, way not what I’m looking for, and even those are few, and being largely ignored by eligible bachelors after they look at my profile), but I do know that I need to try to not let the lack of positive activity there reflect on my awesomeness, or lack of awesomeness, as an individual. Those guys don’t know what they’re missing when they pass over awesome ladies like us.
“It’s hard to feel desirable when you’ve put it all out there and been rejected so completely.”
Preach it!!
I have taken myself off the market, giving myself a break from dating, even crushes…but considering i haven’t had a date in a year…is it really that different? sadly, no.
-Lucky
I wish I had some great words of advice for you. But going through the same thing myself lately, all I can say is that there are times lately where I just feel happy to have survived another day.
I will just say this: I know you feel like time is running short, but you don’t have to rush things. Maybe no one looks appealing because you simply aren’t ready. Go easy on yourself.
I’m not sure what to say, but I just want to give you a (virtual) hug and to let you know that others probably don’t see you as you see yourself. “Unremarkable” is kind of a harsh word. I just can’t believe that to be true. I am more of a believer in times and seasons…right now may not be the correct timing, but that’s all. And, I agree with Sassy–it sounds like you need some more time to get over Lieu before jumping back into the dating pool feet first.
I know exactly where you are. I was still there at the beginning of August. It sucked big time. I went on my first post breakup date in September — blah. And there was lots of backsliding, even into October. But I went on another date in October, and I’m going on my fourth date with the guy tomorrow. He’s hot and smart and really nice to me! It can happen! And it helps to push out the old scenes in your head and replace them with new ones.
I’ve been thinking of this so much lately. I’d been scouring for advice on how to move on & deal with pain and I don’t think there is any way. It’s awful. It’s like sitting in a hospital bed with 90% of your flesh burned and the ache permeates every square millimeter of your body with no sense of relief except the knowledge that one day, it won’t hurt so bad. We don’t know when and we don’t even know what we will look like when we get there, all we can do is sit in the moment and wait for this moment to turn into that moment and the next moment and over time, heal.
I wrote a letter to myself in the most painful moments and I’ll share that here:
http://asplenia.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-self.html
Wish there was a way to speed along the process. Sending a big ‘net hug. xoxoxo