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2011
If Wishes Were Fishes
I had dinner last week with my roommate from freshman year, who I haven’t seen, or really been in touch with at all, in years. I idolized her when we lived together, and thought she was the most worldly and dazzling person I’d ever met–which, I guess, she was. I can’t remember exactly why we stopped being close, except that it was all tied up in me being yanked back to Ohio for sophomore year. In retrospect, it was tied to some life changes for her that didn’t have anything to do with me, too, though I couldn’t see that then.
It was great to hear about her life now, and what’s happening with her family and friends. The dissolution of our friendship was a very sore spot with me for a long time, but now that I’m older I see it differently. Even though we can’t always keep the people we love in our lives on a day-to-day basis, the love still counts, and the experience still matters. It makes us who we are. To quote my sister again, friendships are either for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes we don’t know which it is until we see it looking back. And hey, sometimes the categories overlap.
I gave her the highlights of the Lieu saga, and it’s the first time I’ve been able to talk about him at all without crying. (Though I did choke up today, driving by a place we had pizza and held hands once. Northern Virginia, you are dead to me.) After that, the conversation turned, as these kinds of conversations inevitably do among 36-year-old women, to the topic of kids. But what is it you really want? she asked. It seems like you want kids a lot more than you want a husband. So, if that’s the case, have one. You’ll do great, just go for it. I demurred, saying that of course I know I want kids, but…What if you had to choose, right now? Snap, split decision, kids or a partner, which do you want more?
And I didn’t know what to say. All my life, I would have told you with absolute confidence what I would decide, if that were my choice. I’ve wanted a baby since I was one myself. Kids are the point of this whole existence…or so I have always thought. But in that moment, having just finished telling the story of my relationship with Lieu from a somewhat objective place for the very first time, I honestly didn’t know what my answer was.
If he had said that he loved me, that he’d stay with me, but kids were off the table, would I have stayed?
And would I have been happy I did?
This is what feels perilous about the state of my life right now: I’ve been living alone for over two years, and sometimes, it is dreadfully lonely and sad. But most of the time? It’s motherfucking awesome. I think I would be happy if the right man were here–I know I would. But would I be happy dragging my ass home from work every night to fulfill the needs of a child, every day, with no help, forever?
You can’t choose to fall in love with someone who is in love with you at the right time in your life. If you could, I would not be writing this blog post right now, because I would be having sex with my long-term monogamous life partner. If you never do meet that person, you have a lot of choices to make about how you’re going to spend your life. If you spend it on single parenthood, the universe of other possible events narrows considerably–though of course, if you choose not to have a kid, that whole universe is lost forever, too.
If I could put off the decision about having kids for another ten years, I would do it in a heartbeat. But you know what they say: if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.
being grown is so highly overrated sometimes. it really, really is.
A dear friend of mine is struggling with this same decision right now. She wants marriage AND children, but there’s no man right now and the time is running out for children.
One thing that I think factors in is that you wouldn’t be coming home to take care of the child every night forever. There’d be a time that would FEEL like forever—but the whole episode ends up being surprisingly temporary. In five years my oldest will be moving out, probably actually forever, and that really blows our minds. And even at age 6, he could make himself a sandwich and take a shower and clean up his own toys, which just changes the whole thing so much if you’re imagining coming home to an eternity of spoon-feeding in a high chair, then a bottle, then a bath and a diaper and feetie pajamas, then exhaustedly cleaning up baby toys from all over the living room floor and baby food from all over the kitchen floor, then waking in the night to do a night feeding, then starting the whole thing over in the morning. That’s the stage that feels like forever but then kind of blows right past.
I’m only 24, so I don’t really have to worry about this just yet. But I’ve chosen to work as an au pair for second year, when many young women can’t finish out a first year. My ideals could change, obviously, but at the moment, I can’t see myself married to a man who doesn’t want children. I’ve always valued adoption and wanted to adopt one day, so if I hit a certain age and I’m still single, I’ll start that process. But, like I said, I’m only 24.
I’ve been thinking about the whole kids vs. not kids thing for a LONG time – esp since my mother tells me I’m getting old and my eggs are going to “expire.” I don’t know what the right answer is for me yet though
Ohhhh but once you have the kid? You won’t feel that the choices or possibilities have narrowed at all. As for the work situation, I’ve worked and stayed home, and let me tell you, working was more like a break. When you’re done working you get to go pick them up, and seeing their eyes light up every time they see you makes going home and tending to their needs completely worth it. Single parenthood isn’t an easy road, and I’m not really sure if I would have chosen it if life hadn’t insisted on it, but now I can’t really picture my life any other way. It teaches you how strong you really are. Once you know you can do it on your own, you also see men differently. Instead of trying sooooo hard to make it work, you just kinda shrug and move on when it doesn’t work out. You already have all you need with your kid. This may be the longest comment I have ever left on a blog. Sorry about that.
This reminds me that I keep saying I’m going to embroider “Everything’s a tradeoff” on a pillow or something. It’s one of my pat mottos.
Swistle’s right.
Freezing some eggs might not give you ten more years, but maybe close?
I obviously can’t say what the right decision for you is, nor would I even attempt that. I too always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and I don’t know what I would choose if I had to choose between no child, ever, or doing it on my own.
BUT.
I think raising children is the hardest and yes, most rewarding job one can ever do. Whether you’re single, married, divorced, a step-parent, a stay at home parent, a working parent – it’s hard as hell. I’ve raised my child on my own for 7 years and I would never ever trade her for anything in the world. But it’s hard as shit and her dad is very involved and I get breaks. I get breaks and financial support and support from my parents and it’s still hard. as. shit. I guess I’m just cautioning you not to idealize it…