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2011
Future Tense
A few weeks ago I went with my visiting cousins and sister to The Bar where I spent so many formative years of my 20s; it’s a rite of passage when people come to town. The Bar is such a part of the journey my sister and I–oh, yes, she worked there too–have taken in DC that a pilgrimage there is as important as showing visitors our houses. Plus, hey, steeply discounted drinks.
The Bar is part of a loose collective that boasts an even looser collective of regulars who make the circuit between them. People come and go and come back again, as is the nature of both the city and the industry, but many have been around as long as I have, or longer–14 years now. Some of the regulars have become close friends over the years, some friendly acquaintances, some are people I know only to smile at, and some I know just well enough to run away from them now that I am no longer required to be nice as a condition of employment.
I ran in to one of the denizens of the second category–friendly acquaintance–on my last visit. S. has been around the bars longer than I have, and we’ve known each other casually for years. After the usual hey-how-are-you greetings, my sister turned to talk to someone else and I prepared to go too, back to my cousins at the other end of the bar. But S. put her hand on my arm.
“Can I ask you something?” she said, tilting her head studiously.
“Sure,” I replied.
“Do you have a blog?”
Do I have a blog.
Mo. Ther. Fucker.
Now, DC is a small, small little town. If you live here and don’t know that yet, you’re bound to find it out in some deeply uncomfortable way before long. I actually like this about the city, except as it pertains to the same men chatting up both my sister and me–polar opposites, on the surface at least–on OKCupid. In a weird twist, I actually figured out that I know the author of one of the blogs on my side bar because I used to be a regular at her bar (as was S., incidentally.) My sister figured out that she was on the same softball team as the author of a blog she’s been reading for years.
You know, this blogging thing, at least the way I do it, is pure self-indulgence. It is, as I once said, like yoga for super-lazy narcissists. (Also, who fucking quotes themselves? You see what I mean?) Luckily, I am a pure hedonist and I like indulging myself. And I like having readers, and hearing what you all think of whatever random thing I’m worrying about. If I didn’t, I’d have a journal and hide it under my pillow.
But…there’s something deeply strange about people I know reading this when I don’t know about it. Many, though not most, of my friends know about the blog, and some of them even read it. I’m okay with that. I don’t mind that S. is reading the blog at all; I’m just freaked out that she so easily put together that I write it. I thought I was a little more James Bond than that. I have taken pains to make sure that no one can link my real name to this joint, but I never thought I had to worry about people making the inverse connection. In 2010, there were 152 million blogs on the internet. At least three of them are mine, but still–what are the odds?
At the heart of this, as usual, is Lieu, or his shadow at least. The only thing I felt guilty about during our relationship was that he didn’t know about this space. I never wanted to hide anything from him, but I started it when we broke up and once we got back together I couldn’t figure out how to address it…or how to trust him with everything it says about me. Now that he is gone (though there is a bonus chapter I haven’t shared with you yet) I want to avoid making the same mistakes I made with him in future relationships. (Dear universe, please let me have future relationships. Thx.) But, now that this place is rife with how sad I’ve been about the breakup, not to mention my MYRIAD other issues, I don’t know how I’ll tell future love interests about it.
What would you do?
Would you be uncomfortable reading a partner’s blog, or dating a blogger?
If you blog, do most of the people in your life know about it? Do you actively try to let people know about it, or actively try to keep them from finding out?
Do I have to shutter Hilarity in Shoes when I start dating again?
Hmm, I tell everyone about my blog, but that’s partly because I used to tell no one at all (about an older blog) and then there was weirdness when one friend knew and another didn’t and…gah. It’s so messy. So, yes, I would tell a future boyfriend/spouse, whoever, but maybe not on like, the first date, or even the fourth. (This is all hypothetical; I don’t actually knows what happens on a fourth date.)
i dont feel compelled to tell men about my space on the internet..its MY space… some know some dont… some (ok one) have known but never read…no srsly he didnt read it because i asked him not to…sometimes i’d print bits for him…one of the things i adored most about him most..was that he gave me that space..no questions…no sneaking about or lurking… he just gave it to me…
i still love him for that…
xoxo
xoxo
everyone in my life knows i blog. i don’t use names largely for the benefit of extended third parties, who might read stories and make assumptions. there have been a couple of sticky things caused by the blog – largely people causing deliberate trouble with my ex-husband’s family – but nothing serious.
the man knows my blog exists, but he doesn’t read it. i have shown him specific entries that i’ve wanted him to read because they were better explanations of what i was feeling than i could say out loud. i tread VERY lightly with blogging and the man – he had a rather horrific experience with a college girlfriend who was an early blogger, and who decided to profess her far-reaching infidelities on the internet under actual names. but aside from that, i don’t hold back.
this is who i am. it’ll all come out eventually anyway. why gild the lily?
I’m struggling with this too. I have three dates this week. I’m going to tell the first one about my blog and see what the reaction is….and then go from there. The thing is, that’s it’s all me and I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of it – not even the feeling awful about another guy parts.
To the right guy I think he’ll use it as a giant scouting report to sweep me off my feet.
I may be wearing rose colored glasses on this issue. But they’re really cute so I’m keeping ten on.
Oddly enough- K didn’t want to read it. And not because he was afraid of what he would find out (although I don’t know if he reads it now) but because he didn’t want me to tell him a story/about my feelings/frustrations/past that he’d read about first.
That is what I’ve found to be the worst thing about people I know reading my blog– I’ve got no good stories to tell because people have already read about them.
You had better not stop blogging. I would hate to have to break your face.
But seriously, this is an interesting discussion, especially because I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a personal blog. On a related note, I recognized one of your commenters on an old post as a friend of a friend. Sometimes the Internet is a small place.
Tell the man you are writing it, but don’t let him read. This is my policy.
Like you, I write openly about the man issues and if he has accessing to reading your deepest urges, before your supergo filtered them and prevented him getting smacked across the face, it’s going to cause problems. Even when writing good things about the guy, it can backfire if it strokes his ego too much. So, that’s my policy. I want the guy to know that I need my blogging therapy, but I don’t want him all up in my blog world.
Re: who reads my blog, I let most of my friends and family read, but not my mother, aunts, uncles, or significant others. Basically, anyone that I would write negative things about can’t read.
I wish more people knew that I blogged. There’s another blogger I read – not linked since this isn’t favorable – that makes a huge deal out of telling dates she blogs. She winds it up into a big reveal and it turns out, most of the time, her dates just don’t care. The ones that do care are paranoid and it seems like they get that way because of the nature of the reveal. Does that make sense? My own experience is similar. Folks for whom it’s a casual mention and just integrated into my life as much as anything else is barely blink at it. Folks who’ve had to be “told” invariably react more strongly. And I don’t even write about dating! Also, some people just don’t read blogs – maybe you’ll meet one of those and he flat won’t care!
I’d still like to meet you in person…you may remember me, but I’m doubtful we could pick one another out of a lineup.
As to anon blogging, I prefer it. My friends know about it, but I keep it from my family and from my boyfriends; it’s far easier that way, and it doesn’t compel you to self-edit because, if you are self-editing, what is the point of having a blog anyway? It’s one of the only mediums in which you can vent and curse and whine and not hurt those nearest and dearest to you in the process.
Pretty much everyone in my family knows about my blog; I started it as a way of keeping in touch with them. Over the past year its morphed more into a decor blog than a mommy blog, but I still blog about my kids. Since everyone knows about it, I self-censor quite a bit. I have often told my husband I should start a totally anonymous blog, because hoo-boy do I have some stories to share, but can’t. Even my perky, ever-positive, talks about my fucking sofa blog has caused some family strife. (Ridiculous, but there you go.)
Funny enough, just tonight I posted a funny and true but not all that positive story about my five year old….and took it down 2 minutes later. Because I don’t want his feelings to be hurt ten years from now.
A for telling a future bf about the blog, I’d scrub a lot of entries about other boyfriends prior to telling.