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2011
UPDATED: Post-Dating Blog Topic Possibilities
I forgot about these.
You Are More Likely To Be Struck By Lightning Than To Get Married After Forty, And Why I Pray That There Is No Third Option
Mom, I’m A Lesbian*. Just Kidding! But You’re Never Getting Grandchildren Because I Am Now Too Old
That Stupid Motherfucker And How He Did Me Wrong
I Have This Great Idea To Write A Book About How I Travel the World for A Year And Search for Inner Peace Through Food, Meditation, and Love, And Thereby Learn That Being Single Is Okay But! In The End I Marry A Wealthy Braz–Goddamn It
Now I Would Like To Sell You Some Tupperware
Now This Blog Is All About Crafting
Why I Decided To Stop Shaving My Legs
Every Secret My Ex-Boyfriend Ever Told Me: An Illustrated Guide
A List of Reasons It Is Perfectly Feasible That I Should Be Near His Office Every Day at 5:30
My Friend Totally Stole he Baby Name I Liked and Even Though I Am Not Even Dating Anyone Right Now I Am Real Real Mad
Dear Cleaning People: Just Because That Balled-Up Men’s T-Shirt Was Under My Pillow Does Not Mean It Belongs In The Laundry IT WAS SACRED
There Is Too Much Ice Cream in My Freezer to Store the Frozen Sperm I Ordered
Meet My Cats. They Have Middle Names and Everything
(Older ones copied below)
Seven Signs that You’re a Spinster
Cats: Charming Companions or Complete Abdication of Your Hopes and Dreams?
Your Uterus and You: The Many Ways You Have Let Each Other Down
Grammar Pet Peeves and Why Having Them Implies Healthy Superiority
Reality TV Marathons and the People Who Watch Them Wearing Sweatpants
Does Being in Love with Both Ben and Jerry Make You a Polyamorist? If So, Is This a New Dating Frontier?
Vibrators and Personal Massagers: One of These Things Is A Lot Like the Other, As Far As Your Mom Knows
How To Disguise Tears of Self-Pity as Tears of Happiness When Friends Announce Their Engagement or Pregnancy
Decoupage: Retro+Green+Super Time-Consuming=Win
The Pros and Cons of International Adoption for Single People with Spotty Credit and a Low Threshold for Bureaucracy
How to Stalk People You Used to Love Using Social Media
Using Exclamation Points to Make Incredibly Bitter Statements Seem Wry and Jaunty!
Love Yourself First, Think About Showering Later
New Uses for the Money You Used to Spend on Waxing and Cute Underwear
No One Cares What You Had For Lunch, But What I Had Was Fascinating and Here Are Some Pictures
Avoiding Your Feelings Through Prodigious Alcohol Consumption
The Power of Positive Thinking (Is A Myth)
Things To Do While All Your Friends Are Cuddling Before a Roaring Fire with Their Significant Others
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Talking Ad Nauseum About How Lonely You Are
Diversifying Your Fulfillment Portfolio: Emotional Support from Gay Friends and Therapists, Financial Support from Yourself, And Meaningless Sexual Partners from the Internet
*I, of course, love all flavors of homosexuals and know that they can and do make awesome parents.
Vote for your favorite or suggest your own!
Every Secret My Ex-Boyfriend Ever Told Me: An Illustrated Guide
Laughed out loud. I briefly considered a Tumblr titled “Stupid Pictures of My Ex,” which would mostly consist of PhotoBooth photos he took while stoned. After I rejected the idea as too vindictive, I still cast about for some way to make it more socially acceptable (blur out the face? figure out some kind of theoretical framework that would make me come off as smart rather than a total bitch?).
I should probably delete those photos.
My Facebook status today was “When I’m tired or grumpy I tend to put too many exclamation points in emails in an attempt to appear not pissy. (Obnoxious, I know.) Who am I trying to convince -them or me?”
Hearing that you tell lies with punctuation too made me feel better. There, you improved the world today! (That exclamation point was genuine. You know, the happy, excited kind of exclamation point. Not like the one you would put after the word “Fire!”.)
I like this one the best: “Grammar Pet Peeves and Why Having Them Implies Healthy Superiority”
But I would read ALL of them. You are hilarious.
I loved this post. I am healing post break up as well. Here are a couple I’m thinking about:
-If you ned anything on Friday night you can call me – I’m definitely not having sex.
-I don’t still visualize my ex in wedding scenarios…on Thursdays.
My favorite: I Have This Great Idea To Write A Book About How I Travel the World for A Year And Search for Inner Peace Through Food, Meditation, and Love, And Thereby Learn That Being Single Is Okay But! In The End I Marry A Wealthy Braz–Goddamn It.
This…this is the best list ever.
New here. Hi. Sorry about your recent breakup. That blows. Your list however, is hilarious and I can relate to all of them. We’ve all been there. This one made me snort: “Reality TV Marathons and the People Who Watch Them Wearing Sweatpants”.
These are all hilarious. I, for one, think that you have become much funnier since the break-up, thereby improving both yourself and the universe immensely. O man, you are LOVED. (And yeah, that whole Eat pray love set up was a complete sham!)
These are all hilarious! A few others:
-If I Attack Him When I See Him With Another Woman, that IS Self-Defense.
-The Seven Different Types of Crying
-Boyfriend Bonfires: Throw the Bastard in with the Baubles?
Keep healing… we’ve all been there… some of us ARE still there.
Hugs,
kat
many years ago, after a Very Bad Breakup that involved much lying & cheating on my ex’s part, a friend wrote a blog post entitled “[My Ex's Actual FirstName & LastName]: The Most Disgusting Human Being On the Planet.” it was… hilarious, really. when you googled his name, that was the first hit for quite some time.
Brilliant and hysterical! I’m glad you keep writing and finding the humor in the midst of heartbreak. xoxo
My Friend Totally Stole he Baby Name I Liked and Even Though I Am Not Even Dating Anyone Right Now I Am Real Real Mad
Real Real Mad? Goodness you make me cry i laugh so hard.