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2011
Commisery Loves Company
Having cried already today in bed, in the shower, in my car, and in my office, I submit that there should be more cultural norms surrounding the grief process for breakups. In other words, I should not have to be here today. I should be at home, and people should be dropping off homemade casseroles and surreptitiously sharing their Valium with me as they stroke my hand in my cool, darkened bedroom. (All the action that chamber will see for a while.)
People who are in relationships, or who haven’t been for a long time, or who’ve just never experienced it, forget just how physical and consuming heartbreak is, I think.
(Special shout-out to Philly Friend, who drove down Sunday to feed me frozen mini-Twix and Sauvignon Blanc. I needed it.)
And thank you for all of your kind comments on my last post.
Please tell me, or I swear to god I will publish every sappy original poem and histrionic lament in my drafts folder: What’s the lesson you learned from your last heartbreak? How long did it take you to feel human again? Am I going to die alone? (Two answers out of three will suffice.)
The last heartbreak I had hurt so much it made me throw up. I vowed to never forget what that felt like and the best thing that came out of it is that I finally finally finally won’t let that same guy back into my heart. It took me about a week to feel human again and a little bit longer to stop crying when I thought about us. You are not going to die alone.
That said, I have developed some of my own rituals for breakup grief. 1) I keep a journal of the breakup grief, typically written as a longass draft in my gmail inbox. I write things I want to tell my former loved one, both evil and sweet. I focus on the negative and make lists of things I don’t miss about them, etc. Then I purchase a full set of dvds of a particular show I’ve been meaning to watch all four seasons of or something. And watch it. Incessantly. And it is comforting because there is always another DVD to watch instead of sobbing in the shower.
Good luck, you got this.
Oooh, the DVD thing is good advice. I always do this.
Just make sure not to send the gmail draft, which I always seem to do…
i learned that booze doesn’t help. It just gets you thrown in jail and then you wake up in a cell with a hooker named Treasure, and then she tells you that you need to get your life together. And you realize what a wise, wise woman Treasure is and you vow to dedicate your forthcoming global sensation of a novel to her. And you go through the motions on autopilot for a few months and then one day you whistle while curling your hair, and realize that the scar is finally starting to heal. And then you vow to become a lesbian, and then the next day you go on a date, because you suddenly remember that you don’t have a predilection for vagina, aside from your own. Soldier on, Hilarity. I got your emeffing back. xxoo
A few things I learned: you WILL get over it. I don’t know when but just trust that you will. Each day is one day closer to feeling better, a cheesy cliche but it’s true. I told myself that almost everyday. I also learned a lot about myself – some of it good, some of it not-so-good – but I am a better person, friend, and girlfriend because of it.
My last break-up took weeks to feel human (I could not eat..believe me, I tried!) and I cried just about every day for 11 months – after the 1st few months it was usually just those few minutes lying alone in the dark before falling asleep. After about 14 months, there were no more tears ever and I really felt “over it”. Time was the only thing that did it.
And totally agree about the cultural norms. Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter if it’s from a break-up or death or whatever. It sucks.
I stayed in bed for a whole day and watched a Girlfriends marathon (think Black Sex and the City, but I recommend for all races). As much as I love that show, I still cringe when I hear the theme song because it reminds me of utter heartbreak.
Lessons? Oy, bring on the cliches. The only thing that helps is time. Time makes you realize how much you glamorized a shitty person and a shittier situation (is cursing allowed?? it seems fitting). It’s amazing how talented humans can be at only remembering the good and forgetting the terrible. Also, believe ppl when they first tell you who/what they are. He was never going to change, adjust, grow no matter how much I wanted him to. I’m also a fan of, uhhhh, getting that person out of your system, but I understand the timetable on that can vary depending on the individual.
As for how long – it was when I realized it was really, really unfair to me to let the actions of someone else paralyze me for so long.
Regardless of that overwhelming desire to just crawl under your desk and never come out, remember that you are stronger than you think. And so much more deserving than you’ll ever realize.
I completely agree with you. There SHOULD be rituals and cool darkened rooms and casseroles.
I remember a heartbreak. I screamed into my pillow so hard I burst little blood vessels and had red freckles all over my face. I remember thinking that I understood why people killed themselves, and that it was because the feelings were so unpleasant I didn’t really care WHAT I had to do to make them stop.
(They did stop, though. They did. At this point I remember it with wincing and a rush of adrenaline, but I don’t FEEL IT feel it anymore. It stopped.)
I learned that love is not enough. I was actually early on in dating the man who was to become my husband and I fell in love with a friend. Although those words were never spoken by either of us, I think he felt the same. It was the most painful time in my life. There was safety and comfort and warmth and support in my current relationship that I felt I could trust, but there was also the exciting possibilities with a man that I knew in very different ways because of our friendship. I was so torn. I think I chose to stay with my current boyfriend out of fear, which I recognized as being powerfully unhealthy, but I didn’t feel like I could make a decision that wasn’t ruled by fear.
I hurt for a long time. My friend hurt for a long time. Both of us went through weirdness in the way we coped. He helped me out by becoming a womanizing ass for about a year, so separating from him was easier.
Due to being a part of Facebook nation, we reconnected a couple of years ago. His life is successful, fulfilling, and wrapped around a beautiful family. My life is successful, fulfilling, and wrapped around a beautiful family that includes the other man I was dating at the time. Looking back, I can see that our journeys since then would not have been compatible at all. One of us would have had to make educational sacrifices and career sacrifices. One of us would have had to compromise on where we wanted to live and how we wanted to connect within our communities. Neither of us would have the happiness that we have today. We had love, but none of the practical aspects lined up. We recovered and had good lives. All happened just the way it was supposed to.
(None of this stops me from wishing that we had had the opportunity, consequence-free to my now husband, to just one time have had really good sex. My fantasies are pretty good, but the real thing would be nice to look back on!)
I absolutely agree re rituals. I don’t think we treat grieving (of any kind) as we ought to – with lots of space to fix ourselves. During my last, I took incredibly long walks – until my legs hurt. I also throw myself into something new. Pottery, spinning, painting, etc. The best news is that it eventually stops aching. So it WILL stop.
1. Cry cry cry cry cry cry till you’re dry. Listen to Aretha Franklin, Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday, Jasmine Sullivan, Lauryn Hill, Adele, and every other scorned woman that can sang. Read good poems (bring back your poetry website please). Write bad poems. (lots of em- we’ll read ‘em! You can even have a pathetic poem contest with yourself. I have.) Get a massage or 3 (It’s OK to cry on the table).
2. It took me a year and a half to be normal again but the official formula is that it takes half the length of the actual relationship. Pain is purification. Be brave.
3. We’re all born alone and die alone. No use trying to change it. But if you die first, I’ll make sure you’re not alone. Remember that your friends and family love you more purely than any man ever will and love them back. Think of how this experience intimately connects you with millions of people over thousands of years of humanity that have experienced exactly what you are feeling right now.
4. Ever watched all the seasons of Weeds? Its awesome. There’s also 2 seasons of Treme waiting for you if you’re not caught up.
5…. poco a poco
I’m so sorry:( Take a day off; a broken heart deserves a sick day just like having the flu. I spent the day after sobbing in bed, feeling like no one would ever love me and wondering what I did wrong. Then I called my mother, and the friends who had seen/heard 3 years worth of clues, hints and *FLASHING*WARNING*SIGNS* that he would never fall in love with me, and realized that it wasn’t something I had done and it wasn’t something that would change even if he came to his senses and realized we were meant to have a beautiful waterside wedding and then two adorable, happy babies together. (lesson #1, loving someone does not have the power to make them change)
And the next day, I put on my cutest dress, my highest heels, picked my chin up and went on with my day. No point in giving him any more time. Nights were harder – as one of the other posters mentioned, bedtime was difficult a month or so- and I’ve been much more cautious about who I let into my life since then…but follow whatever cliches are useful and don’t feel bad about it. Wear lipstick, volunteer, work extra hours (blog more!) and trust that the universe doesn’t mean for you to be alone forever. I have no proof on that last part…but I’m trying to keep the faith anyway:)
Two super cheesy-sounding-but-true-if-you-think-about-them things I learned from a breakup that has helped me through breakups ever since:
1. I believe there IS someone out there for me. And you. It’s just a matter of finding him. So no matter how perfect a guy seemed for me throughout our relationship, if it didn’t work out with him it just means someone more perfect for me is out there. So I need to hurry up and get on with the business of living my life so I’ll be ready when he shows up.
2. Everything will be ok in the end, so if it’s not ok it’s not the end.
I know that last one especially sounds like a load of Hallmark shit, but both of these ideas really do help me out of my self-pity wallowing and remind me that everything is temporary – even pain.
I hope this helps and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
How I got over it? When I finally got angry and really believed I was better off without him. Because even if he seemed perfect, he never is.
And wine. That helped.
You will absolutely, positively and unequivocally not die alone. You are awesome and I promise you this.
My heart was completely, utterly broken by my first love. My grief regarding the break-up was real and all-encompassing. Go out and get a copy of this book: How To Survive The Loss of a Love. I’m not exaggerating when I say it became my Bible. I read it before bed; I read it in the morning; I read it on my lunch breaks in the bathroom when I didn’t think I could get through the day. It’s easily the best book I’ve ever seen on surviving a break-up, and it’s a quick, quick read. It’s not a novel. Read it and it will help you . . . or at least remind you that you’re not alone.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up seven years ago and I still think about him. He was a major part of my life, and it took me years — many years — to get to a point where I didn’t miss him and wonder what our life would be like. I was not in control of the end of that relationship, and I felt like I never really got closure. He moved out of town and that was it — he was gone. Like a death.
It took me six years — and seeing him one more time — to finally move forward. I realized I was idealizing the relationship and that it was, for all intents and purposes, a one-way street: I was idolizing him, and he liked to be idolized. When I let go of that mess once and for all, I met my current boyfriend . . . and fell in love again. The difference between my relationship now and that relationship is night and day. And I appreciate my boyfriend so much more for having survived the loss of that first love.
There’s no magic formula for moving on, unfortunately. If there were, I’d have a bottle of that potion overnighted to you right now. The best advice I can give you is just to be kind to yourself, indulge yourself and hold yourself close. Lean on friends and family, who hopefully understand the difficult situation you’re in right now. Grab a copy of that book I mentioned. Wear green, as the book suggests, because it’s “the color of growth and renewal.” (Cheesy, but it works.)
I promise you will be okay.
I usually just lurk, but I had to reply to this.
My last huge breakup was such a devastating scorched earth type ordeal that I will spare you the details. Suffice it to say, it was TERRIBLE. For your 3 questions…
To feel human again took me about a year. And another 3 to be completely over it. Yes, that was how bad it was.
You WILL NOT die alone. You might feel that way for awhile, but that’s because you’re seeing everything thru breakup glasses.
And last but not least, what did I learn? That I am enough. That people who don’t desire to stay for whatever their reasons, no matter how valid or invalid, should be let go and I will still be enough. I will still be enough for me to be at peace, to continue to be kind, to still live a full and happy life. I learned that this person wasn’t the reason I was happy; I WAS.
You will be fine. You don’t believe me. That’s ok too. You should feel entitled to your feelings right now. And I look forward to the day you look up and realize, without even noticing it happening, that you are, in fact, just fine.
make a playlist! buy yourself something nice!
(another lurking big fan)
I’m glad to read that Philly Friend came down to be with you. What a wonderful friend!
I’ve shed a few tears over the last few guys, but my last heartbreak was courtesy of “Buckeyes” Boy. It helped me to dig a little deeper to find that his “I’ve just thought a lot about things” was trying to mask the fact that he was a pathological liar. The more things I learned about him, the more I realized that I dodged a bullet. At the end of the day, though, he wasn’t THE guy for me because THE guy for me would have been honest and stuck around.
xoxo
I love you guys. I have read these comments a hundred times. Thank you.