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2011
The Lesson of the Shrink Dump
Remember that time last summer when my shrink dumped me?
One thing I have learned in therapy is that I hate talking about myself; I find self-disclosure gauche and un-ladylike. KIDDING of course, because I am totally writing about therapy on my blog RIGHT THIS SECOND. Fooled you for a minute though.
One thing I have actually learned about myself, through therapy and every single other thing that has ever happened to me, is that I am bad at confrontation. This comes up even in my performance reviews at work; good job and whatever, but could you try to be a little more mean? The nonprofit world is not for the faint-hearted, my friends. (Also, some people here could seriously take a page from my pacifist book. Or perhaps a chapter.)
The manner in which my shrink dumped me was not helpful to my development as a person who confronts things in a healthy manner. He had cancelled a bunch of our sessions in a row, and I was not happy about it. I stewed throughout (what I did not know was) our final session, passive-aggressively denying that anything was wrong. Finally, near the end, I said, It makes me mad that you’ve cancelled all of these sessions lately; half the time, no one even calls me. I take time off work (which is SEVERELY frowned upon) and show up, and they just send me away. I need to know that I’m going to see you when I’m supposed to see you.
He apologized, and went on to explain that he had been busy negotiating a contract to go be the shrink for an NBA team, that it was the fulfillment of his life-long dream, and that he would be leaving his practice in a few months. Plenty of time, he said, to talk about what it all meant and find me someone new to work with, and he really really liked me but just wasn’t in a place where he could commit right then; it was totally him and not me, I was a great girl and we would still see each other all the time. I deserved better, and he would call me the next day, and we don’t have to use a condom, baby, don’t you trust me? And of course I have a tenth birthday present for you! I just don’t have it with me.
At the end of the session (the real end, not the fake end in the preceding paragraph where I tacked on all the dumb and insincere shit men say to highlight the point I am gradually approaching), as I sat on the couch trying to absorb the news that I was getting dumped, he beamed at me and clapped his hands briskly. There! Now was that so hard, just telling me what you needed from me? We trust each other, right?
He cancelled every other appointment we ever had, and he never spoke to me again.
The lesson, of course, is one that I have learned in nearly every single encounter I have ever had with any man upon whom I have relied: I am a very low priority, if I even make the list. As pleasant and low-maintenance company, I will be tolerated (or not), but I had better not dare to demand anything; respect, equal consideration, more time, more affection, a future. None of those are my right. Indeed, the Lesson of the Shrink Dump is that not only am I incapable of capturing men’s regard through my personal charisma, I can’t even pay them to give it to me.
This is a reminder to myself of two things: one, there are reasons why I have been so slow to push Lieu, to ask for what I want–life has taught me over and over that it’s not going to do me any good; and two, however hard I work to avoid asking a tough question, the answer is what it is.
This post doesn’t sound like you…self deprecating, yes, but usually you have sort of a light at the end of the tunnel humor that allows the reader to laugh with you instead of cry with you. I hope you are doing okay, and hopefully you realize that being everyone’s low priority isn’t your station in life, but somehow a result of some self-fulfilling prophecy loop that can be turned upside down on its head (likely by a change in your own behavior or the people with which you choose to associate).
I’ve definitely felt this way, so I know where you are coming from. While I have no problem believing it when I am being hard on myself, I find it impossible to believe someone as down to earth, as astute of the human condition, and as intelligent of a writer, could possibly be the only person on earth that is destined to always be everyone’s last priority. There are evil and malicious people that take up those spots!
Too self-deprecating? Maybe…I was trying to talk more about my issues with men and how the same ones keep cropping up but perhaps went a tad too bitter. Thank you for the kind words and, as always, for reading.
Just that last part about being a low priority- sounded more resigned than hopeful. Never bitter- you are too funny to be bitter. Agreed on the getting coffee part that Andi said- perhaps you can find priority love in your life by selling coffee dates with yourself and allowing your adoring fans to set you up!
I am a “shrink”. If I ever treat someone like this I hope someone will punch me in the face.
I hope none of your clients punch you, but I appreciate the sentiment.
I am new to your blog and am not typically a blog follower. I keep coming back, however, because you make me smile, you make me think, you make me want to know more, you make me wish we could have coffee together. If that’s not charisma, I don’t know what is. If the men in your life don’t recognize that, then it really IS them and not you – and it’s time for new men.
Sorry to get all therapisty on you…apparently can’t help myself sometimes.
Just remember that it’s not you, it’s them (especially your shrink, what a freak)…
THIS IS A TERRIBLE STORY. I cannot believe this. I mean, I CAN believe it and I DO believe it. But I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, because it is truly terrible and I want to do something terrible to that terrible psychologist.
gotta tell you – this is why i gave up on therapy. seriously. i had a feeling about the whole process from the word jump. i knew he was going to try to blame EVERYTHING in my life on my mother passing. yeah, i wanted to get into that, but i knew it wasn’t the thing that drove everything. so i held that back for four sessions, which were GREAT. and then i told him that, and for the rest of the time i saw him, everything – EVERYTHING – became about the dead mom. seriously.
i dumped him, though. it wasn’t me. it was him.
I am… shocked. This dude shouldn’t be allowed to practice. What a dick. ( I’m sorry… That’s unladylike. But I can’t think of anything else to call him.)
seriously… shrinks are some of the MOST fucked men ive ever dated …
you dont need him..you need some good girlfriends and a great bartender… and i can make excellent recommendations for both!
(not that you asked for my opinion…BUT why would i let that stop me?? )
xoxoxoxo
I keep reading this title as the Lesson of the Shrimp Dip. Proof that I keep checking your page for new posts!
wow. this must have been really hard for you to write. and it was brilliantly and eloquently written as ever. HOWEVER, this makes me so sad. As many of your posts do. You talk about being let down by every man you’ve ever RELIED on. But perhaps you are RELYING on the wrong guy. And you stay with THE WRONG guy WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY too long. And repeat the pattern. And repeatedly get let down. I demand what I want from people. Very early on. And sometimes, like with the last boyfriend, they can’t give it to me. Sometimes they even really try. Sometimes they don’t. But more often than not I find out SOONER rather than later the ones that I CANT rely on and i keep trying and trying and then you find someone that I can. And I stick with that one. For a long time. Because they will listen to me and what I need. I dont know. I read your posts and your so funny and witty. I have always and still do want so much more for you. I’m just not sure to help you get it. Or what to say so you can help yourself get it. But I guess knowing what kind of person you are and the patterns you repeat is a start. Thinking of you and thanks again for sharing, T.