OR GET THE RSS FEED HERE
2011
8 Signs It’s PMS and Not a Worrisome New Mental Illness
1. Overnight, everyone in your life–everyone on Facebook, everyone in your office, all of your friends and lovers–has turned into a ginormous asshole. You used to love these people, or at least like them, right? Why are they suddenly challenging every word that comes out of your mouth and condescending to you? Why is their laughter so grating? Why would they go get Diet Coke for themselves and not offer to get you one when they KNOW you are wearing pinchy shoes and thus restricting walking activity? And what the fuck that did that email mean? ”Sorry, I can’t.” YOU COULD IF YOU HAD A SMIDGEN OF COMMON HUMAN DECENCY, YOU SHITBRAINED ASSFACE HATER.
2. You are way uglier than you were last week. My god. It’s a wonder the mirror hasn’t cracked. What is that growth on your face? Probably some new kind of cancer that will kill you. That will show those assholes. But no wonder they hate you all of a sudden, because you are hideous. Applying mascara has ruined your appetite for breakfast, because your face is so…so…ugh.
3. You leave more than one meeting choking back tears–before noon. Why won’t people LISTEN to you? Why can’t they respect your professional EXPERTISE? Clearly, this is personal. And your boss is looking at that thing on your face. Yeah, I got your timeline of project deliverables right here, motherfucker. Get over here and suck it, you think to yourself, seething. Also, these are accomplished people–why are they so unutterably, embarrassingly stupid? And since when do stupid people talk down to you? It’s because they think YOU’RE stupid. Oh my god, you’re stupid. You will never amount to anything. Sob.
4. The fat and calorie content of certain foods is a deeply private affront. God knows you need a candy bar. And a bag of chips. You need to sit alone in a room and eat them and lick the salt and chocolate off your fingers, maybe wash it down with a non-Diet Coke THAT YOU HAD TO GET YOURSELF, because people are so thoughtless. The universe wants you to have this restorative snack, but the universe has made this food fattening and unhealthful. Why? Because the universe hates you. Glare at the girl in the office around the corner, eating an apple like some kind of goddamn saint. She probably has a savings account, too. Ass. Hole.
5. Your stomach hurts. It’s probably an ulcer from dealing with all of these rude, thoughtless, terrible people all day, with their talking and asking questions and WANTING things from you. Awesome, they’ve given you an ulcer. Happy now? And your pants are too tight–acid build-up, no doubt. Probably no one will even send you flowers when you are recovering from ulcer surgery, because everyone you know is fundamentally selfish, when you have always strived to be kind. Fine thanks you get for that.
6. You decide it’s time to cull the wheat from the chaff. After unfriending several callous, ignorant racists you knew in high school for DARING to criticize President Obama on Facebook, you decide that this situation with that one person not meeting your needs has gone on for way too long. Tears pricking your eyes, you begin drafting a righteous yet measured email laying out all of this person’s faults and the myriad ways s/he (Who are we kidding? He.) has hurt you. When I asked you to rub my head the other day, you did it way too hard, you type, sniffling. It couldn’t be more clear that you don’t really love me, or you would have known that I needed you to do it more softly. I love you very much, but I’m sure you can see that incidents like this make it impossible…
7. Your reactions are slightly exaggerated. You are texting your sister to let her know that the world has turned completely to shit and ruin, and autocorrect insists on turning “crankiest” into “craziest” over and over again. In a cold, boiling fury after backspacing it out for the fourth time, you throw your phone against the wall, shattering the case, and burst into tears at the thought of cleaning it up. Fuck you, Swype, and fuck you too, Android. I’LL SHOW YOU CRAZY.
8. You start your period. Oh. That. Has it been….? Yeah, looks like it has. Well. Time flies.
This happens to me every single fucking month, and I still don’t get it. Though, come to think of it, neither do any of those idiots I hang around with, so it’s their stupid fault as well. You rule.
oh . my . god …. been right there with you! xoxo
Hahahahaha…this is happening to me at this very moment. Thank you for making me laugh through my completely irrational tears.
After twenty freaking years, I do NOT comprehend how it catches me off-guard every. single. month. I *swear* I’m not stupid!
Excellent post.
Chibi, I completely agree with you… Ughhhh, Ive been dealing with my monthly fiend (yes, fiend, not friend, I said fiend.) for 13 years now (I started late) and I can never predict when she’s coming, catches me completely off guard every single month.
Thank you for making me laugh so hard!!
ROFL – Been there, done that. I have daughters. The world is out to get me
this? awesome.
Hahaha… us poor women. How do we survive?
Yup, yup. That’s about right. Although I do think all the people I know go through a monthly evolution into ginormous assholes, though. Let’s not be too quick to blame that on PMS.
Oh, ladies, just Wait for menopause. You have PMS every freakin’ day. You wake up in the morning wondering who you’re going to be– Cruella DeVille or Mary Poppins. Get used to getting your own Diet Coke all the time. Your friends and family are too pissed with you to do anything nice.
Hey, I’m getting mine too! And my husband is an asshole!
How about irrational anger at inanimate objects? Just me?
Inanimate objects- totally! I frequently find myself mad at my hair when I get in this state. “Why is my hair always in my face?! Why can’t it stay behind my ears?! Argh!!” Then, I remind myself I’m getting angry. At my hair. Being a girl = awesome.
I love all of you. Who knew this topic would strike such a chord? Next up: Shoes.
ooh yes. this sounds like me around once a quarter or so. i’ve taken to writing these emails in my text editor program, just as a backstop to keep from accidentally sending a tantrum to someone only to think two seconds later, uh-oh, shouldn’t have done that…
I LOVE this list. I’m bookmarking this and checking this back next month during my totm to remind myself how ridiculous I get. I absolutely adore this!!
new follower as well! can’t wait to read more!
Fabulous post and super timely! I needed it yesterday when I found myself silently cursing people on the street for not giving me enough room to walk my dog (ie., the entire sidewalk) and being pissed at my friends for not realizing I was sick (even though I hadn’t told anyone) and bringing soup (which I probably wouldn’t eat anyways because my friends don’t cook). This made me laugh.
Chibi sent me this link after tweeting that everybody & everything was pissing me off. Spot on post…I’ll be in the corner eating mini Twix and hoping no one has the balls to come talk to me.
Bwahahahaha! This is why I love you!
Thank you. I really needed this one today. I don’t have pms. I think I was just hungry. You, my friend, have significantly improved my day and saved me from myself. You have quite a gift, you know. You should consider taking up writing.
I hear you’re not too bad in the kitchen either.
How the heck can you read my mind so freaking well???
I just want you to know that I forward this to people at least once or twice a week. It’s like a gift that keeps on giving. Thank you.
Ha1 I’m glad to hear it.
I needed this. This is me today. *sob*
Favorite part, “Glare at the girl in the office around the corner, eating an apple like some kind of goddamn saint. She probably has a savings account, too. Ass. Hole.”
I can every once in a while tell when it’s happening. It doesn’t make it any better. In fact it makes me more grumpy because I know what happens next.