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2011
One of These Days
“I’m going to ask him,” I say to my Philly friend. We are in an old man bar, and tipsy. ”Of course!” she gushes. ”He totally loves you, of course he does. Just start the conversation. It will go well. Start out easy, but do it.”
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“I’m going to ask him,” I say to Montana, my monogamous non-sexual life partner, or GBF. I’m standing in his office doorway, on my way to meet Lieu for dinner. ”What!” he exclaims. ”No, don’t do it. You don’t want to get dumped right before your birthday, and you know he’ll take the easy way out if you give him a chance. Do NOT do it. No.”
“Are you saying that because you don’t want me to get dumped right before my birthday, or because you don’t want to deal with me getting dumped right before my birthday?” I ask accusingly. He averts his eyes, laughing
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“I’m going to ask him,” I say to my sister.
“Yes,” she nods. ”You definitely should. It’s always better to know, always. Whatever the answer is, you’ll be glad you at least have all of the information.”
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In the quiet, after, I lift myself up and prop my chin in my hands. I take a deep breath. ”What’s on your mind?” he asks, studying me. It’s a stormy night, but the moonlight slips in through my sheer blinds and gilds his face despite the clouds. It’s always gilded, when I see it here. ”Nothing,” I tell him. ”Just thinking about my birthday.” He pats my head, and we fall asleep to the rhythm of the spring rain drenching the city.
Ahhh, don’t do it. I’m one of those people always begging for definition and clear cut situations. I realized that not being able to go with the flow is likely the reason my relationships rarely last or at least last successfully.
The rare times I’m able to just be happy things are going okay, are usually the times I look back on so fondly.
If you really think the answer is not what you are going to want to hear, then yeah, maybe it’s time to face the facts. But I kind of think your relationship with him sounds pretty committed and serious and that it’s making you pretty happy, regardless of its concrete definition. So why would you mess with a good thing? There will come a time where he will not be able to hold back anymore and your questions will be answered- be it in a negative or positive way.
Then again, I kind of have no idea what’s going on with the two of you, so call this intense speculation, if you will.
I’m gonna disagree with ifeelyou. He is seriously walking all over you, and I think you know what he’s going to say and you’re in denial about it. If you were really happy in this relationship, you wouldn’t feel the need to ask. You deserve better than him, I promise you. You deserve someone who is not ambivalent. You love him and if he doesn’t love you, what are you doing with him?
I hate reading post after post about how you’re going to do something to scare him away or how he does something unexpectedly sweet and the cycle continues because I just want to shake you and say, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE COMMITTED TO YOU!! You deserve someone that wants to be in it for the long haul and who won’t balk at those things that are a normal part of dating. I really hope one of these days you realize how awesome you are and that Lieu is not the end-all, be-all of available men.
I don’t know whether or not you should ask, only that you shouldn’t have to ask. I hope that, whatever you decide, you have your answer sooner rather than later.
Ladies, I read and weigh all of your comments carefully. Thank you for reading and for hanging in there with me.