Everything They Say

My weekend escape in New York, New York was divine.  Let this be a lesson: fretting maniacally about every single tiny and uncontrollable detail of something before it happens is the only surefire way to subvert disaster. This is deeply, irrefutably true.  You heard it here first.

So here’s the thing.  Was it perfect?  Did Lieu turn to me after a romantic stroll down Broadway, look deeply into my eyes, and say, C, I love you. I appreciate you. I want to build a life with you.

He did not.

Did I have a revelation, speeding down I-95 on Sunday afternoon, about what I need to do to move my life forward and exactly how to do it?  Did I turn to him and say, This is where I am. Meet me here or let me go. Did I have a driver’s side epiphany, and know in my soul that I’m going to be okay no matter what happens?

Negative.

But I’ll tell you one thing that did happen: soon after we checked in to our hotel on Friday, we stumbled across a cheesy concert being played by a tribute band that covers a group we both love.  Dancing and shouting along with the music, fist-pumping incongruously with my whiter-than-white bridge-and-tunnel Irish-Catholic brethren like we were front row at Madison Square Garden, I paused and took his beloved, sweat-shining face between my hands and kissed him.  Just a gleeful little smack.  In that moment I was happy, purely and simply happy like you can only be on vacation, with a full belly, at a great concert with someone you love deep down in your gut.  I thought of something my Philly friend said recently, on one of the rare days that we both had good romantic news to share.  I had recounted some development briefly and then veered straight into worry: but I don’t know what it means or what I should do or if it even counts because blah blah blah does he love me is this right OMG I’m going to die alone and be eaten by cats. She put her hand up in the universal gesture for silence.  Let’s just enjoy it, she said.  Whatever happens tomorrow, today was good, and nothing can take that away.

And I’ll tell you one more thing: even after everything, when I’m with him, and I’m holding his hand and I know that he’s coming home with me, there’s no place I’d rather be.