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2011
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
First, two obnoxious things:
First:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
To WHOM.
(You have to say it as primly and severely as possible. And choose your audience wisely, because let me tell you how uncomfortable it is for everyone involved when the person who’s hearing the joke doesn’t get it: VERY uncomfortable. Very. Believe me.)
Second:
Last week in class, my English prof was explaining how important the revision process is when writing our papers. Because it’s a freshman English class that I somehow did not have the right credits to skip, and my life sucks that much. ”Make significant altercations,” she urged us. The first time she said it, I was like, aw, funny slip up! The second time, I was less amused, and the third time significantly less so. Then she wrote it on the board in big letters. ALTERCATIONS.
She is a full professor, with an MFA and literary aspirations of her own. Imagine how many times she has urged her students to make ALTERCATIONS to their work.
I kind of think she wants to fight me, but I just want to revise–er, change–er, edit my paper, man. I just want to live in peace.
And I kind of want a partial tuition refund.
Also, my boss calls these things —> !!!!!<— explanation points. As in, I think this flyer has far too many explanation points. And I reply, Oh, would you like me to remove some of the EXCLAMATION POINTS? Just let me know which EXCLAMATION POINTS to remove, and I will get right on it. And she says, This explanation point, and this explanation point, and this one.
And then I lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry.
WINNER
Via random.org, Mary Catherine! I’ll email you shortly.
Thanks for playing!
dying laughing over here. because, as my grandmother would say, “if it weren’t tragic, it would be funny.” Which it is. Funny and tragic. So I’ll just laugh. Our degrees are now bought and not earned, my love. Oh isn’t modern day capitalism wonderful? In other news, I highly recommend watching the Maya Angelou “Masters” series on Oprah’s new network. It will inspire.
I will check it out, my friend.
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omg that is my pet peeve!! ugh! I saw on I’d never seen before last night on a”real life” lierary sight “in-tale” for “entail” how does that even happen??? altercations Christ on a Cracker I coudnt do it … id write the f-ing dean AND student paper .. I’m just a demanding bitch like that … xoxo
and of course lierary is how autocorrect thinks I say literary fml
Isn’t it funny how autocorrect has undone years of spellcheck supremacy?
oh, for the love of all things sacred. i now have to add “altercations” and “explanation points” to the list of “malapropisms that should get their perpetrators stabbed,” along with “expresso.” never, EVER, should the word “expresso” be uttered, unless one is referring to the 1980 classic “expresso love” by dire straits.
(and incidentally, when you type “expresso” into google to try to get the year in which the song came out, you get “expresso beans” and “expresso maker.” sigh. i give up.)
Oooh expresso is a bad one. Another one I hate it “MassaTUsetts”. Why no ch? i don’t get it.
Holy Cow! I got the chicken dinner! What a treat. Thank you.
I thought of you this week as I was driving across the state. Stanley Fish was talking about the well-made sentence and the first crafter of fine sentences who came to mind was you.
My tall, nervous and very conscientious coworker will assure me – oh about twice a month – that he is “nipping in the butt” the latest problem at hand.
Is your co-worker an Australian shepherd?
(And thank you!)
Love it! I love it so much I had to include an explanation point.
Thank you for demonstrating proper usage.
“Chomping at the bit” is one that kills me. Champing, people. You’re champing at the bit.
I am sad that my wretched blog page will not be getting a free and shiny new graphic to headline it.
I think I’m guilty of this one! Oh, the shame.
awww man. really wanted to win. fail. but happy for Mary Catherine just the same. enjoy and cheers, T.
Hey, wait, wait, William Boyd, right?? (See my comments…) not Baxter but Boyd? Not trying to catch you out (I do this all the time) but just want to make double sure I’m getting the right book….and what about his others? B/c I loved Brazzaville Beach…
Oh you are right. Totally William Boyd. Oops
I’m definitely guilty of the chomping at the bit thing. Thanks to Dakota for helping me to nip it in the butt.
Ha. Butt. Get it?
Champing/chomping are generally interchangeable these days.
The use of “anyways” is probably my biggest pet peeve. It’s NOT A WORD. Anyway … off to make me some expresso to get through this afternoon!!!!
“I pacifically told you that….”
Especially when I don’t remember them being particularly peaceful when they told me.
Other peeve: “nauseous” instead of “nauseated”