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2011
Could-Have-Been Love Story
I wish I were the kind of person who could watch this video and think, oh, how sweet! Instead, I am a bitter hag and I think bitter thoughts. Why do people DO that? Why can’t anyone say what they mean? Why can’t I say to Lieu, I love you, and the way you treat me hurts my feelings, and you have to do better or I’m out? (Because that would be the end of it–he would choose the out, because he doesn’t love me. I know, I know.)
I’m the only woman my age in my office. There are a couple of women in their 50s, and a whole passel in their mid-20s. The young ones and I eat lunch together sometimes, and talk about boys. I restrain myself–barely–from constantly mentioning that all of our eggs are dying all the time ZOMG, because that is obnoxious and I’ve already said it far too many times. No one wants to hear that shit, and everyone already knows.
But the one drum I can’t stop beating is one I wish I’d heard at 26: Don’t wait. Don’t think you have all the time in the world, because none of us do. Try to do that impossible thing and imagine not just your life but how you will feel in your life in ten years. Whatever the most important thing is for your overall, long-term life happiness, start working on it right away. Be aggressive in your pursuit. Time passes so much faster than we think it will.
What I’m about to say isn’t true for everyone. There are exceptions, and good ones, legitimate ones. But to a large degree, people who are single at 35–never had a long-term relationship, or had one so long ago they can’t remember it– are single for a reason. They’re damaged somehow, and the longer they are alone the deeper the patterns worn by that damage become. Maybe love is like language: our brains are wired to receive and understand it, but if we are never exposed to it those wires corrode, and they can’t be repaired. Lock a kid in a dark closet during her formative years and don’t teach her to speak, and she will never be able to learn. So it is, perhaps, with our hearts.
I should have been practicing falling in love with people who had the capacity to love me. I was too dammed up to even admit that to myself at 26, let alone to look for it and open myself up to it and take the necessary risks. I had fun, to be sure. I had great friends and great trips and great parties. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whomever I wanted. After the poverty of college, I had plenty of money and free time, and I re-created a perfect childhood for myself, where all of my whims were met, and all of the sharp corners were safely rounded off. I never, never tried to do anything at which I might fail. I never even considered it.
I should have. I should never have allowed myself to live inside that cocoon. I didn’t know that there are decisions you make–or fail to make–that can’t be undone. I thought I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to patiently wait for the gods of chance to deal me a winning hand, and I was wrong. The universe of options available to me narrowed so rapidly and finally that I never saw it happen–one day we were all at happy hour together, dancing on tables, and the next I was home alone ordering baby shower gifts online. It happened that fast, and I never saw it coming.
And so I tell the girls, find someone now, while the field is deep and wide. If you think you won’t be able to do that in DC, move. Look for reasons to love people. The marrying, settling down kind of guys get married and settle down, and then you’re left with a dating pool made up of the other kind of guys. Believe me when I tell you that you’ve already met as many of that other kind of guy as you need to.
The snow is falling tonight, fast and thick. It makes me feel restless and edgy, instead of peaceful and cozy. The best thing that’s happened to me this week is that I got a DVR finally, and my god is that ever a tragic statement. Lieu hurt my feelings today, surprise, surprise. I had an excellent phone interview for a job that isn’t very exciting and pays less than my current one; I’m pretty sure they’re going to offer it to me and I don’t know what I’ll do then. I’ve come to realize that I don’t care that much about My Career; whatever lasting impression I leave upon the world won’t be found in an awesomely written memo about e-learning platforms. What form that impression will take remains to be seen. I’m hopeful it will have something to do with love–something besides whining on a blog about not having enough of it.
Without heaping on an embarrassing amount of praise, I will just say this: you are quickly becomming my favorite blogger. Everything you write is so poignant. While this post makes me catch my breath and panic a little, it’s also good to light a fire under my lazy, lackadaisical ass. And that’s always a good thing. Thank you for writing about things that matter, without sounding like a pompous ass. (I honestly mean that as a huge compliment, so I hope it comes across that way!)
Is there really such thing as an embarrassing amount of praise? Try me
Seriously, that’s a great compliment, and it made my day. Thank you.
LOVED this. thank you for sharing. Everyone in my family rushes to get married in their late teens, so it’s nice to see the opposite end of the spectrum isn’t necessarily much better. XOXO
This is incredibly poignant (thanks to Sassy for that perfect descriptor). Is it sad that sometimes I feel this exact same way and I’m only 27? I feel sometimes that I’ve missed my window, and that one day I’ll wake up and it’ll be 8 years from now and I’ll be in the exact same position. Thanks for letting me know that it’s not too late and that I have to make the attempt myself and not give up. This post has totally changed my outlook for the day. Thanks.
Wonderful post as always. I think you already ARE my favorite blogger. Which is why I comment stalk you so much. But I have to say I found this post extremely depressing and sad. Sad for you. You actually wrote “The universe of options available to me narrowed so rapidly and finally.” I believe you feel that and may have very legitimate reasons for feeling this way. And I completely validate those feelings. BUT…and there’s a but…you are 35 for christ’s sake. you’re not 80. You’re not dying. Yesterday was my birthday and I wrote a post about it today. Basically that last year sucked. Job, money, family, friends, no boyfriend and I was so sick I almost died. And I was mean and bitter and closed off to all the VERY REAL options in the universe AVAILABLE to me but didn’t know existed. No sooner did I change my attitude then everything got better. And I got happy. And now I’m falling in love. I know as well as anyone, when you are miserable you don’t wanna hear how frikkin happy and in love someone else is, but I think you need to reconsider your outlook on life and make some changes. Changes that’ll get you where you wanna be. I know plenty of people that didn’t find “the one” until their 30s or 40s. Or who never found “the one” so they went and had a child through artifical insemination or adoption. What do YOU want? And what do YOU want NOW, at 35, not what you wanted at 26? And if you can’t get it how can you make yourself happy with something ELSE? Start by cutting off this Lieu guy once and for all. After all the posts I’ve read about him I am so. over. him. And so should you. Never speak to him again. Buy yourself a new lipgloss or sweater or pair of boots. Call your grandmother or friend. Eat an icecream cone. Look at the snow on the trees. How blue the sky is. Cheer the fuck up already! You are a brilliant writer and what you bare about your soul suggests you have a lot to give anybody – no matter what role you play in their life. I’ll keep reading and wishing good things for you and I promise not to leave any more self-righteous comments if you wanna bitch and moan in the future. That’s your right. I’m just wanting so much more for you. Because no doubt you deserve it. And it is possible. Even at 35. Cheers, T.
What a heartfelt, beautifully-written post! I know a lot of friends who felt the same way, especially when they turned 30. I guess I never cared that much about what others were doing around me, but my mom — who married at 34 back in ’71 — was my role model
. I appreciate that guys who have never married by their late 30s might never marry, but I guess I see myself in the same mode. I hope that you find what you’re looking for, though! You deserve it! xoxo
Yep, c-girl, I feel your pain! And I know from your comment on my recent post that you feel mine,
Keep in mind- I have NINE years on you and I’ve only recently thrown in the towel. The guy I hung onto for too long happened in my late 30′s…DEFINITELY sounds like your situation with Lieu.
Ask yourself this- are you willing to give you your hope/dream of having a partner/family? If so, then continue the shenanigans with Lieu. Because staying with him means you are sacrificing your life’s goals and dreams.
About the baby thing…when I was 35 I made a promise to myself. I would give myself one full year to decide if I wanted/needed to be a mother. At the end of that year, if the answer was yes, I would do it regardless of whether or not there was a man in the picture. Well, when I was 36 I came to the conclusion I didn’t want to be a mother badly enough to do it on my own. So I concluded I didn’t really want it then… My decision was made. That’s not to say it’s easy- I am still grieving the loss of being a mother.
My wish for you is that you find what you are looking for…and get that joy and happiness and fulfillment you deserve! I don’t want you writing a depressing post like mine when you’re my age!
[...] without sacrificing something, and that’s painful; on the other hand, it can be worth it. I blogged about some of my favorites a few months ago. Every one of these stories can be told in a way that is dreamy and romantic, [...]
You posted a link to this in my comments, so I came here to read it. I am stunned by how astute and right-on this is. I feel so…un-alone now. You just nailed it. I wish I could go back and give the 25 year old me a talking to — and warn her not to spend a year or two or three dating people you know damn well aren’t IT. If this were the year 1850, I would be considered a spinster; thankfully, in today’s society, I can be all, “This is my choice, I’m a career woman, I have great sex, I do what I want,” and then babble about it on my raunchy blog and save some face.
Still, there is now, more than ever, a very real possibility that I won’t find a partner to go through life with, and that makes me sadder than anything. Part of me says, I can’t help it if he’s not come along! And the other part of me says, You haven’t been in the right frame yourself to attract the right guy.
I should have checked out your blog sooner. Have a feeling I will spend all my free time at work today going through and reading it voraciously.